Marriage and Raising Young Children
A few weeks ago, a potential client asked me what kind of couples therapy I do.
We started chatting about the process and the person burst into tears. They said, “I’m exhausted. My partner is exhausted. We fight constantly. We miss each other, but we can’t get on the same page about our kids or our relationship.”
During the conversation I learned that they have a 2 and 4 year old. They are pregnant with their third child. Life feels overwhelming. The person I was speaking with said that they used to turn towards their partner for comfort and support, but doesn’t know how to reach them now. They tell me that their partner is as frustrated and tired. They say that their fun, loving and simple relationship seems a distant memory.
How can their marriage survive the chaos of raising young kids? How do they find their way back to one another? Will it ever go back to the way it was? Remember when you used to go to dinner AND a movie? Remember when you went for a late night walk after the movie and grabbed a drink or dessert. Who has the time to be away for 8 hours now? Most of us don’t!
So, how do you connect at home? How do you make sure you are a team when it comes to parenting? How do you smile at your sleeping partner when you’re dead tired and it’s your turn to take the 3 AM feeding? How do you avoid building resentment?
The hard truth is that it will not go back to the way it was. It can’t. Your family of two is now a family of three, four, five or more. But there is hope!
Your relationship can be better than it was before. You can find a new rhythm with your partner. Don’t get me wrong, it is hard work. If you struggled at all before you had kids with communication or either of you had childhood trauma or individual mental health struggles, it will be an uphill climb – but a good climb. You can work towards better understanding yourself and your partner. You can have a beautiful opportunity to help your kids understand struggle and triumph. There are rich, positive outcomes for kids who see their parents have conflict AND see them repair after conflict. Conflict is normal and should be expected in a marriage.
My husband and I have a 4 and 6 year old. We have had our share of communication hiccups over the last six years. There have been times in our marriage that felt lonely and exhausting. There have been times where conflict goes unresolved for a while, but we keep working at it. I’m grateful for the time we take to work on our relationship. I’m grateful for the community we rely on for emotional support (and babysitting!). It is not easy, but it is worth it.
Couples who are struggling during those early years of raising children need support. That support can come in the form of a community – “Hey, Mom / Sister / Brother / Dad / Friend… please come watch the kids so me and my Boo can go on a date!” (or just go grocery shopping in peace)
Support can also come from a therapist. A couples therapist can help you and your partner learn to carve out the necessary space for your relationship. After you have kids it is very difficult to find time for your partner. All of a sudden there isn’t enough time in the day for yourself, let alone your marriage. Couples therapy can help you figure out how to be creative with your time and discover new ways of connecting. If any of this sounds familiar or you have questions, shoot me an email and we’ll chat about what we can do to help you figure out your goals as a couple and what you want your young family and marriage to look like.