Navigating in laws as a couple

Do any of these sound familiar?

• Your mom drives me crazy!
• Your sister calls too much. 
• Can we please try to make a decision without involving your dad?!
• It’s my families turn to do Thanksgiving this year. Not yours.
• Your parents are way too involved in our business!
• No, your brother can’t come over AGAIN this weekend.

Ahhhhhhhh! 

How in the world can couples agree on a perfect balance with their in-laws? 

I’m not gonna lie, this is a tricky one. I mean, these are our families we’re talking about. Setting boundaries around time with our parents and siblings can be so hard. Especially when you really do love your family of origin and want to spend a lot of time with them AND your partner. 

In my experience it takes patience and two people who are willing to listen to their partner’s concerns about their families. This is where some of the Gottman tools can come in handy. These conversations can be intense and emotional. 

Before trying to resolve or discuss issues around in-laws, 
it is important to remember your four horseman.

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling

Ask yourself, how can I avoid these communication faux pas?

• “You spend way too much time with your brother and you should tell him to get his own life.” ** Ouch. That’s criticism. **
• “I don’t even see my brother that much! You’re totally blowing this out of proportion.”  ** Oh, hello, defensiveness! **
• “You disgust me and are repulsive when you get together with your horrible brother.” ** WARNING. This is contempt. ** 
• “Can we talk about ‘Guy’s Night’ with my brother? Why won’t you look at me? Where did you go? Why won’t you respond to me?”  ** Yep, this person’s partner is stonewalling. **

So, how do you bring up these sensitive issues and avoid the four horseman? 

Will avoiding the horsemen resolve the issues with your in-laws? ** No. ** 

Will avoiding the horsemen result in never fighting with your partner again? ** Nope again. ** 

Here’s the good news -- if you can figure out how to approach conversations with a “softened start-up” (the antidote to criticism) and avoid contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, chances are the conversation will go well!

Issues surrounding family dynamics are often extremely sensitive for couples. There are usually deeper reasons that these conversations are triggering. You may not fully resolve the issue at-hand by avoiding the horsemen, but at least you can navigate the conversations smoothly and with respect. Chances are you will hear things and listen in a way you have not been able to do before. 

In-law struggles are common. Couples therapy can help teach you the tools you need to avoid the four horseman and can help you and your partner explore deeper reasons why these conversations might be triggering for you both. Feel free to reach out if you have questions about in-law struggles (or the dreaded four horsemen). You don’t have to navigate this alone!